Tuesday, September 13, 2005 ;

i seriously give up. like, really. cos i know that even if i do try to study anyway, nothing's going to get into my brain. so i just plain give up. just forget it, really.

well, at least now Daddy can take over.

you know, i was trying so so hard to study just now, and i just got so stressed up and pissed off. and steve just said to me, "do you know, it really doesn't matter whether you pass or fail."

in my mind, i was thinking, "yeah. i know that. cos it doesn't matter to me too. but the thing is, it does matter to the people who matter to me. and that's what matters. because they matter to me, and my grades matter to them, that's why i'm trying so hard cos i don't wanna disappoint them."

but then Daddy just dropped into my heart that, you know. i might try to numb myself by saying my grades don't matter to me. but He knows that they do, and He knows that it's hard for me.

He also knows that i'm trying for the people who matter to me. and He knows. He knows it all. He knows how hard it is for me to do math. He knows that everytime i open the book and see all the figures, He knows that i really want to cry.

He truly understands that i am just.. just someone who simply cannot understand math. that it doesn't just come like that, with the snap of a finger. it's not that easy for me. and He knows.

but He not only knows, He cares too. and you know what. He knows i care for the people who matter to me, but the thing is, i don't have to worry about letting them down. because not only He cares for me, He cares for them too. and He cares for them more than i do.

all He wants is for me to let go. be it letting go by just resting spiritually, or literally letting go as in giving up. no matter how you let go, as long as you do, He takes control.

and i just know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that when my DaddyGod takes control, everything's gonna be alright. and i will be just fine. because He will look after me. because He cares. because He can. because He will. just because He's my Daddy.

it's impossible for me, i know. but nothing is impossible for my God. nothing is impossible for my DaddyGod who loves me and who is well pleased in me.

You are my strength when i am weak. thanks, Daddy. for being there, as always. and thanks for holding me when i cry. thanks for not condemning me even though i can't even figure out the very basics of poa. thanks for loving me still, even when i swear and curse and throw tantrums. even when i get pissed off at nothing, even when i have mood swings, even when i attitude you. thanks for never letting go even when i slap Your hand away and refuse to accept Your love and help. thank You for never shouting at me, thank You for never threatening to slap me. thanks for never threatening to make me leave. thank You for telling me that i make you happy even when i'm doing the silliest things. thanks for telling me that i'm beautiful every single day, even when i feel as if i'm the ugliest creature that could ever exist. thanks for just being there even when i don't feel like telling You anything, even when i just make You sit there in silence, waiting for me, looking like a fool. but thanks for just waiting, and thanks for still letting me vent my anger and frustrations on You in the end. thanks for keeping all my tears and remembering which tear was for what. thank You for loving me just because. thanks for understanding.

thanks Daddy. really. You're the best Daddy anyone could ever have, and i'm glad You're MY Daddy. i'm really glad. thank You. i love You.

WE WILL DANCE ; 9:58 PM