Monday, February 19, 2007 ;

woman. i was pissed today because i just felt you could have been more understanding. he was already not very happy to begin with already. they have been on a cold war since saturday night and the last we all want is for things to get worse. i understand that you want to get to grandma's because so do i but that doesn't mean we disrespect all the other relatives. daikuma loves us, uncle paul loves us, so do jem and janice. just because your favourite cousin wasn't there doesn't mean there's absolutely no reason to stay any longer. how long did daikuma spend, just cooking for us. the least we can do is sit there and enjoy a good meal, not just rush through picking a few nibbles here and there and leaving just like that. like i said, he's already not in the best of moods. and if you want him to send us anywhere, the very least is to let him take his time, spend time with his sister for goodness sake. not that i take it for granted, but we really do visit grandma alot more than we ever get to see daikuma and family. stop rushing him through just a small lunch with his own sister. trust me, if it were you being rushed you'd be pissed too. i mean, yeah. fine. my fault. i woke up later than planned. but even if we'd gotten there earlier the food wouldn't have been ready yet. we want him to send us here, send us there, at least let him have abit of time to breathe, talk to them, let him enjoy. that's really the least we can do. i'm not saying he's right in this dumb quarrel, i'm not saying he has been right all these years. but still, he's our father and at least deserves some god damned respect. i'm not saying i know more than you or that i have any right to be telling you off, but this is just plainly what i feel. sorry for the language.

and you my dear friend. thanks. but if you're so concerned about every little what not, then take it back. i'll starve if i have to but i'll get my own. you can be rude to me, you can correct me, you can tell me you hate it when i show attitude, you can tell me everything that's wrong with me; my spelling, my attitude, my guitar playing, my mannerisms. but don't go being all uptight about a brother who isn't even yours. in the first place, you never said nobody in the world except me could touch your guitar. second, don't you ever ever think that because he bugs me to do everything for him doesn't mean he doens't respect me and what's mine. don't you ever. so yeah, you had life tough and you're going through a not so smooth patch right now, and fine you can take it out on me, but don't you fugging ever be rude about my brother, because yes, i may be rude to you, but i'm not rude about your family. so yes, i didn't warn you about being rude about my family, so i'll forget about this though it will take time. but from now on you've been warned and if you are ever rude about anyone of them ever again, then it's war. you really don't want to see me being the biggest bitch in your life ever. my brother loves me and he looks after things that are mine as well. if you can't accept that then take your shit ass whatever belongings back cos then i don't want them either. yeah, sorry for the language too.

WE WILL DANCE ; 5:08 PM




Saturday, February 17, 2007 ;

sometimes i do wonder. you have been playing your guitar for as long as we all can remember, i swear to God sometimes you have so much more practice than the rest. so i pose to you ONE question. just one.

which is, why can't you, up till now, not even play one song properly. why?

to think people like, never mind i don't want to mention the name, would even say things like WOW you have improved SO much, but does she even know? because she's not a musician aor a psalmist herself.

yes, i sound stuck up. i sound like i think i know every damn thing in the world. but so what? for the sake of those lovely sheep i've got to get it out of my system.

how when you play, we can never even just flow. because you can't even play anything? and that is exactly why, as a server in a platform ministry, we freakin' need to at least have some foundation skill, some basics at the very least, to carry you through the simplest of songs.

i mean, what is so difficult about playing just four chords? yeah, you may know alot about music but if you can't flow then there just isn't any use at all, is there?

because how then shall we expect the people to jump into the flow with us to worship when i cannot even flow with you? when you cannot even flow with me? is it that hard to listen to me when i ask you to play just four simple chords?

pray tell me, what is so difficult about playing D A Bm G? i don't get it, really i don't so please explain to me if you would be so kind.

really, don't get all ching-chong emo with me. showing me attitude doesn't move me. it gets me pissed off, is all. sitting there like some emotional wreck, not talking, not even wanting to listen to anything anyone has to say to you.

anyone can see that you are by far not ready to step into the platform ministry.

i do hope, however, that your head is not quite so empty as to think that it's not a platform ministry, playing guitar for caregroup worship, just because you aren't literally stepping onto a platform.

yeah, so you have plenty of revelations, but SO WHAT.

if you can't apply it to your life, to your playing.. could i be so crude as to say, JUST GIVE UP WANTING TO PLAY ALREADY.

could i be so crude, and rude, as to say, forget about it. because with whatever encouragment i have ever given you, i might very well have been lying.

just stop trying.

STOP.

WE WILL DANCE ; 3:04 AM




Wednesday, February 14, 2007 ;

(: thank You for making my valentine's day.

thank you for letting me sleep on your bed, thank you for being there, thank you for standing up for me, thank you for looking after, for wanting to fight for me, for being concerned. i love you korkor.

"but.. you will come back right?"

"ask them again tmr. cos tmr i'll be home."

if you promise to never leave home again, then yes, i promise i will always come back, no matter how late.

WE WILL DANCE ; 1:13 AM




Monday, February 12, 2007 ;

too many times, it's as if leaders try so hard to be leaders that they forget to simply be your friend. and i think that's really sad.

yes, i know there is a place and time for preaching. but sometimes, all we need and want is just a listening ear. that's all. we just need to get some things out of our system and we'll be fine.

you try so hard. no, you try too hard. the saddest thing? you try and you try and you try but you still fail.

if you want your sheep to respect you, then you've gotta respect us too. favour is given from God, but respect is earned. and i'm so sorry, but you just don't have our respect anymore.

too many times we've tried to let it pass by saying 'just give her a little more time. maybe she's new. maybe she just needs to adjust.' but we're over that bull. sorry to be so frank.

really, how to trust you anymore? everything is going wrong and you don't even realise. if you do, then you're just not doing anything about it and that just makes it worse doesn't it? :)

being a leader is not all about putting up your best front. you can't wear a mask forever. in the end, you will still need people to respect you for who you are, not for the mask that you wear.

so what if you happen to have it all together on the outside? that's just the surface. who cares about how you look when you walk past other leaders? who cares how well you speak when you're sharing the message? who cares how many TYS answers you can give us when we truly are seeking sound advise?

sometimes it seems like you just don't get it. no. read my lips. you do not get it. it's basic respect my dear. you may be our leader, but remember what you told me? that we will always be your friends?

how can there be no mutual respect between friends? even then, it's a fact that you are the youngest among all of us, and you should at least respect that. we know that God is no respector of age, but we're not asking to be leader over you. we just want some respect.

it's so hard to respect you, so hard to trust you anymore. the choices you make when problems are presented to you, the way you even act. seriously, to describe it in just one word? BIMBO. you suit your own cheer.

wednesday's a day which i really fear will come now. to know that you're gonna be there just makes things a whole lot WORSE. i really pray you do get a revelation about the verse in Ecclesiastes where it says there's a time for everything. cos i hope you know that everything includes When To Shut The Hell Up.

i still want to love you. i still want to trust you. i still want to respect you. i still want to give you the benefit of the doubt. i still want to be able to be proud when i tell people that you are my leader. i still want to be able to thank God for you in my life.

i hope to God that you don't ruin yourself this wednesday. it scares me, the thought of it. because, if he goes, you do know that it will take a looooong time for us to get over it right? and i hope you know how i can be when i am pissed off. please be careful.

look at it this way. the only reason why we're still around is because we love the sheep. (: yes, it's the sheep, not you.

sometimes i do wonder. do you even get it that we're just falling apart? hahah, anointed? more like anything anyhow any way.

i don't even know what to say to you anymore. it's like you wouldn't even really care, you only want to preach. that's not what leaders are all about. preaching. have you really forgotten to be our friend?

i just want what's best for my sheep. what about you? what happened to "only the best would do amen"? or did you just say that because it's like a politically correct answer?

don't you even realise that he needs sooooo much more time in practice before he can even be raised up to serve in such a platform ministry? or don't tell me your brain is that empty that just because we don't step onto a platform, you don't think it's a platform ministry?

dammit, he isn't even teachable. do you get that? you don't know every single thing just because you're a leader you know. why else do leaders need wise counsel? you don't have it all together just because you are a leader. can't you be real?

if you cannot be real and open with us, how the hell do you expect us to be real and open with you? like you expect us to tell you everything about ourselves. gosh what happened to sensitivity. what happened to genuine care and concern. you just want to know so you would have the chance to preach again.

YES! that is what i think of you now! i cannot stand it anymore!

i mean, look at it this way. nobody is trying to compete with you. so i'm really sorry that alot of times, i 'sort of' get more 'popular'. i didn't go looking for the 'popularity' please.

what shall we as sheep now do, when the shepherd herself does not know the way.

i am so glad that God is my leader, pastor Prince is my leader. not you. hahah yes i am sorry but i don't even see you as my leader now.

i mean, i will still listen to you, still submit to what you want. but that doesn't mean i have to respect or trust you or tell you everything about my life. trust me, not telling you wouldn't have me lose out on anything.

and, you have bad breath.

WE WILL DANCE ; 10:35 PM




Friday, February 09, 2007 ;

it's not that i was pissed. yes i was initially, but after that, it was like a knife through the heart, the thought that you guys never even bothered to inform me. and you know what, when i sms-ed you, i really wasn't joking. everything was turning a bright white around me, i broke out in cold sweat, i was trembling all over and i was literally weak in the knees, so laugh all you want but it didn't feel really nice to have people think you're joking when you truly need help. i was hurt, okay? still, i rushed home. i rushed through packing and i forgot to bring stuff for productions, i rushed to the dinner place. in fact, i very nearly wanted to cab there, but praise God i didn't. because halfway there, you called only because i sms-ed. and you told me that you had all left the dinner place and were going home. i just want to know one thing.. why? why didn't anyone even bother to tell me? it hurt you know. to be really honest, i felt so stupid. felt so so stupid for rushing all the way, rushing all the way to nothing. i didn't even need to eat dinner, i just wanted to see you guys for the day, because just seeing all of you makes me smile, just seeing all of you reminds me how much Daddy loves me. and i cried. i cried in the bus because i felt so stupid and so hurt, like you all had just forgotten about me just because i couldn't join in for one day.
then i sms-ed you when i was at commonwealth and told you that i'd reached queenstown, cos i know you take awhile to walk out. you said you'd come to the mrt station to get me. i reached, you weren't there. i went down to 7-11 to buy dinner and i came back. you still weren't there. so i walked by myself. i finally saw you.
but by then, i didn't know how to feel. so numb, so empty. i'm sorry. i didn't mean to look so pissed, didn't mean to sound so pissed. but i didn't want to have you handle a crying me, just because of one incident. so i built a wall.

i guess time will heal all wounds, as it will this wound. (: i still love you guys, so so so much.

WE WILL DANCE ; 7:21 AM




Monday, February 05, 2007 ;

grandparents are such love. =) such love.

brought them for Hokkien on sunday, with the help of Rach, Nic and Justin. ((: praise Jesus for friends who are always so willing to offer their help whenever they can. (:

we had breakfast at ahma's house. =) because she was so elated when i told her i'd be bringing her for Hokkien service with my friends, so she made beehoon for us and it was delicious! =)

left the house at about 1045am. ((: took MRT to city hall and waited for shuttle bus.

Hokkien's really good man. though i was soooo sleepy that i fell asleep for awhile, cos i was talking to sisterhood until super late the previous night. =) heeheee. yes we still have alot to talk about even though we stay in the same house.

anyways, after that, we brought grampys to Kopitiam to eat lunch! and they say that the chicken rice there is really nice. =) i'm just glad they liked it.

but ahma refused to let me bring her downstairs to wait for cab because i hadn't finished my lunch, so Rach and Justin brought them down for me. =) thanks!!!

((: was talking to Rach about it and yes, throughout the whole time spent with my grampys we just felt so.... so happy and so peaceful and satisfied. =) i loved it.

i just think it's so amazing how all my friends just love my grampys so easily and feel so comfortable with them. (: my family is truly blessed and covered with divine favour!! =)

((: thank You Jesus, i plead the Blood of Jesus over my grandparents. thank You that no weapon formed against them shall ever prosper, that no harm shall ever go near their dwelling place and no evil shall ever befall them. thank You Daddy that You are their Protection, that You look after their well-being, that You prosper them both in health and in their finances. =) Jesus You look after them. amen.

did publicity for Love Actually before fourth. hahahah although our plans kinda went mad because the queue moved in so early, it was still super blessed. =) i'm so thankful that nothing is based on our own efforts. (:

fourth was good, though i fell asleep. the part that i was still awake was what i needed to hear. (:

after service i saw Sean outside and i was so excited about telling him the testimony of the new song that He wrote. (: and he was pretty amazed as well, from the looks of it. =) hahah i want that anointing! to write such beautiful songs that would touch the hearts of even non-believers. (: thank You Jesus, i recieve.

after that was debrief. =) then we went for dinner at gluttons bay. yes, again. hahahaha for the sake of Fanta. (: hahahahha ryan and jason and hanyuen were seriously high. sugar rush man!

((: heheheh after all that, we went to do some pretty silly things at the Esplanade rooftop. hahah the video is posted on my Multiply (www.andishallsing.multiply.com) and we were laughing so hard.

yes i was jumping and running around in heels! hahah come on it's not that amazing or "wahhh" you know. it's just heels! you can actually do ALOT of things in heels. for example, catching and soccer is possible too.

just that you've to be careful not to step on anyone. or rather, they've to be extra wary of you. HAHAH. =D

anyways at the rooftop, we finally learnt the proper art of clicking our heels. now we're trying to master clicking our heels in the opposite direction. yah our amazing Clickity Clackity Click video. i'm telling you, it's award winning. =D

alrighty then. =) i'm looking forward to more time spent with my dear grampys. =) =) =) awww they're super cute.

Jesus i am Yours forever.

WE WILL DANCE ; 8:02 AM




Saturday, February 03, 2007 ;

in quiet desperation, in stubborn indignation, in silent defeat, in anger, in frustration, in disappointment, i cried out to Daddy. i cried out with all my heart.

"is this then, the highest we shall soar, the farthest we shall run?? because Daddy You know better than i ever could that they deserve better."

and He said, "no my Love. this is not the highest you shall soar, because I will cause you to rise up on wings of eagles. this is not the farthest you shall run, because the race has only just begun."

nothing can take Your love away.

WE WILL DANCE ; 9:08 AM