MY HAND IN YOURS ;

Friday, February 25, 2005 ;

shit. i admit. i'm scared. afraid. worried. fearful. yes, very very fearful. but nobody would know this fear. noone would really understand.

its just that fear that has been built up inside of me over the past dont-know-how-many-years.. i never did well in school.. but trust me, very contrary to popular belief, it wasn't because i didnt try. i did. like dung i did.

but i dont know why. i just never did well. maybe what teacher beth said was true. as young kids we were forced too hard.. but if you ask me, i think the reason why i hate math and all.. its actually because i'm just so afraid of it.

i was out with guan yesterday. we went to the beach.. after that we went to harbour front, starbucks, and chatted for about 2 hours.. we're both scared. in different and yet the same ways.

it really got me thinking. i'm really afraid. on the surface i might seem fine, but the fact is, i'm not gonna be okay! its just.. i dont even want to get back my results. i'm too afraid to look.

maybe it really is my fault, that i didnt pay attention in class and whatever. okay, so i'm sorry. so tuition started. class after class, all the teacher wanted was for me to understand. but that's just it! if i understood, why the fcuk would i need tuition for?! oh well, i shant blame any of them. that's what tuition is for i suppose. easy money. right? everyone was just forcing me to take what i couldn't. i needed to go a little slower, but everyone just kept telling there wasn't anymore time. like fcuk i know! i'm the one going for the exam! so blame me. that's all they ever did. all i wanted was for things to be explained, taught to me at a pace i could take. but all they did was force me to do stuff i couldn't. i never needed extra work, i just needed the basics explained to me slowly and clearly, and i would have done the work volunteerily. the reason i never did my work was because i didnt know how to. the reason i never asked was because all they would reply was "i've told you before." so much for help huh.

forget it. i'm not trying to shoot anyone. i just wanted to get some load off my mind. it's not anybody's fault, but even if someone reall was at fault, that person'd be me lah. who else right? =) its okay. i understand. anyway i've taken the shit so many times. one more time wouldn't matter. i'm okay. just scared, is all. oh well. it doesn't matter.

oh would someone please go with me to collect my results? heh.

WE WILL DANCE ; 10:40 AM